There it is!! There is that glimmer of hope I have been so eagerly waiting to feel throughout this past year. It's amazing the strength and love you gain after reaching a milestone so huge such as a 1st Birthday. I spent the entire month of December leading up to Carsen's birthday struggling with the decision on whether or not I was going to host a party. There is just something about inviting 40 of your closest friends and family into your home to see how truly disabled your child really is. I just kept thinking, how am I going to feel when everyone will be expecting to see a one year old act as a one year old would on her first birthday. Tearing wrapping paper, and shoveling her first birthday cake in her mouth was just not going to happen. I guess I just didn't want to see the disappointment on the faces of those I love so much. I truly thought everyone would be wondering why I decided to torture them all, and make them awkwardly sing "Happy Birthday" to a sleeping child who had no clue they were there and no clue it was even her birthday. I had this conversation with my mother two weeks before I was deciding to cancel the party. My mother is always amazing at giving advice, and analyzing my feelings appropriately. Her words to me made everything so clear. She said, "I think everyone invited will be honored to be there." Hmm, I though, "Honored." What a bold word to use, and yet I knew exactly what she meant. She asked me to put myself in their shoes, and imagine what it would feel like to be trusted enough to share such a special occasion with such a special child. I thought hard about my decision all the way leading up to the week before her party and decided that no matter how I was feeling about the upcoming event, this is Carsen's day, and considering everything she has overcome, she should be celebrated. I couldn't sleep all week. I tossed and turned trying to plot how I might handle the momentous occasion if she decided to sleep through the entire thing. I rehearsed in my head, the tiny events that would take place; the Birthday song, the candle blowing, and the present opening, praying that my sweet daughter would partake in just one of those. After all my rehearsing, the day finally came. I spent the entire day cleaning, and making sure Carsen was well rested. I cried and laughed and cried more throughout the entire day while I snuggled my soon to be one year old daughter. And then it was party time. I was nervous, I planned the party to be in the evening, as I know that is Carsen's best time of the day after a full day of rest. She was still sleeping soundly on the couch as people began to arrive. One by one, I greeted our guests and lead them to the living room where they could view a sleeping one year old. Quietly my friends and family mingled as she slept, and after about a half hour I finally I heard the best news. "Amanda,", someone called, "She's awake!" I swiftly crossed the kitchen into the living room to see my sweet angel just laying there looking around bright eyed, and obviously curious. I was so excited! I quickly sat her up, and began talking to her. In true Carsen form she had an audience within seconds. The most incredible sound I remember from that moment was all the cooing and oohs and awws from my friends and family as they gathered around Carsen and watched her chew on her two favorite fingers. I had never seen so many smiles and heard so much laughter surrounding my baby girl. This is it I thought. This was the moment where I realized we will be okay. She will be loved. She IS loved. I felt as though I had been lifted out of my body and as I hovered above the excitement, I could feel Carsen come out of the shell she had been locked into for so long. She knew that all those people were there for her, and she could feel the love just as I could. For the next hour, all I heard throughout the house were compliments on how adorable and sweet she is. Everyone took their turn to sit next to her, and tell her happy birthday, and as they did that, I sashayed or (waddled) around the house with a smile on my face that made my cheeks hurt. We continued on with the party, and Carsen continued to effortlessly entertain. We sang "Happy Birthday." I blew out the candle and then we watched her gag on the ketogenic cake I made her earlier that day. Everyone laughed at each bite of frosting she made a funny face with, and it was perfect! As everyone watched, I opened her gifts, and let her feel each one. Every gift touched my heart in such a special way knowing the thought that was put into picking out the perfect gift for such a special little girl.
So finally I realized the answer was NO. At the end of the day, Carsen, did not act as a one year old would on a first birthday. She did not tear open wrapping paper, or throw her first birthday cake on the floor or shovel it into her mouth, but she did however, act as CARSEN would on a first birthday. Which is just perfect in her own special perfect little way! She charmed those who love her, and made lovers out of those who didn't yet.
As most people would say, "Wow this year flew by so fast," I think the opposite. This year, this one single year of mine, and Carsen's life has felt like an eternity. With all the hospital stays and praying with all my might that she would survive, I have to say I am so glad this year is over. Now, I thank God for the future, and that finally, I have hope. I can see just a little bit clearer. We have made it. My sweet baby girl is still here, still fighting, still showing the world how truly incredibly strong she is. She has made believers at of those who doubted her, and touched the hearts of those who now know her. I can see great things in her future. Carsen's neurologist has told me not to expect much from her. But who's to say what MUCH is?? As I hugged and said good-bye too all of our friends and family, last night, I saw how truly touched they all were to have been given the opportunity to spend just a couple short hours with my little miracle. The way Carsen makes others feel in her presence is proof that she was put here on this earth for a reason. My sweet baby gives others hope, and the strength to press on. She helps others see how truly beautiful life is, and that it should not be take for granted. She has fought with all of her might to be here and I know she will continue fighting. I guess that's how MUCH I should expect from her, and I'd say that's pretty darn good. Not many people can say they have made others see the beauty in life, but Carsen can, and Carsen does. What an amazing gift she has been given.
Please bless my baby girl on this special day as she turns one whole year old. Thank you God for giving me such a special gift. I promise to love and cherish her for the the rest of my life.
Happy Birthday angel, mommy loves you to the stars and back.
