To my baby girl. The first of many....

I have been wanting to start something like this for a while now.  Eight months, and  fourteen days later I have finally found the words that my heart has been keeping wrapped up so tightly.

I want my beautiful baby girl to know what an incredible gift she has given me. I want to say thank you sweet baby for showing me what a beautiful gift life is. For showing me the world through your touch and smile. For giving me strength in moments of pure weakness and for giving me hope when I have lost it. You have so much to teach the world baby girl and I thank God every day for the opportunity to be able to love you.

I promise you baby girl that this life will be hard, there will be many hurdles and you will fall, but I also promise you baby girl that I will pick you back up. We will jump those hurdles together, and when times are hard, I will do everything in my power to help ease the pain. I promise love, to remind you every single day that you are smart, you are strong, you are beautiful.

You have been given a gift angel. A gift that makes you unique and so incredibly special. You have been given a gift that helps you see the world in ways many will never get a chance to see. Use that gift sweet baby and teach others the things you have taught me in just eight short months. This life is a blessing and we are indeed blessed. You came into this world fighting, never give up that fight.

 I live my life in fear baby girl and I pray to God that I do not pass this on to you.  My job is to protect you. What if I miss something?  A simple fuss or whine could mean terrible things.  Are you crying because your sodium is high?  Did your Grandma wash her hands before she touched yours? Did you take in enough liquid today?  Are you cold because your cortisol is low?  Are your lips dry because your thyroid is acting up?  How will we get through our next physical therapy appointment without upsetting you?  How will I teach you to sit up, crawl or walk?  How can I make you smile?  Some days all I want to do is fall to my knees and ask God why.  My brain is on full speed 24 hours a day, thinking about medications, doctors appointments, and symptoms. 
Some days I cry.  I cry because when I come into your room in the morning  you are smiling but soaked in urine up to your head because your medicine failed.  I cry because you are jumping in your jumper using only one leg.  I cry because I have to decide if your symptoms are odd enough to take you to get blood work, only to find out your levels are fine and I just put you through hell for nothing.  I cry because I have flash backs of those weeks in the hospital when you were fighting for your life and all I could do was watch and pray.  I cry because I want answers, but there are none.  And as I sit here typing, I cry tears of joy because you are snuggled warm in your bed and you know none of this. Tomorrow (or in 15 minutes) you will wake up wanting me, I will pick you up, you will run your fingers through my hair, flash me a sugary grin because you know its mommy, and  I will take a deep breath and be thankful.  Thankful because I know that I have been chosen.  Our paths choose us, we do not choose them.  You needed me angel, and I needed you, and I thank God we were so lucky to have found eachother.  I love you sweet girl.